My iPocalypse: Trials and Tribulations of the iPhone 3G Launch
“Well, let’s just go and see.” Those six innocent words were optimistically spoken to my kind and patient wife before departing for our local Apple Store on July 11. “I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”
I’d strategized a bit, planning to arrive there at about 10:30am with the thought that all the early-birds who had lined up prior to the 8:00am launch would have made their purchases and be gone by that time. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
We arrive at Pioneer Place, the posh mall in downtown Portland, at just about 10:40am. We found a line that appeared to be moderately long. There were about 150-200 people ahead of us. Okay, I thought, let’s see how fast this thing moves. I had read that AT&T and Apple had been having some problems with their activation process. I also had read that this was causing stores to sell customers iPhones and asking them to activate them at home, bypassing the in-store activation requirement. If this were the case, we’d be done by lunch. Easy.
A word about activation. See, as any Original iPhone (what the previous generation of iPhones are now called) owner will know, the activation process was a breeze the first time around. Not just a breeze, but genius. An utter testament to the Apple’s design philosophy and attention to user experience. You buy your phone, take it home, plug-it into iTunes on your computer, follow a few on-screen instructions and boom, you’re done! Totally 21st century. Totally awesome. Who would mess with that winning formula?
Well, take that totally amazing Apple customer experience and toss it out the window. Forget it ever happened. Because this time your new iPhone 3G will have to be activated by an AT&T or Apple Store employee before you leave the premises! That’s right, your shinny new gadget will be man/woman handled, plugged and unplugged before you get to take it home. (More on this later.) This is because AT&T is subsidizing a portion of the cost of the phone to get the price down to that $199/$299 figure (in exchange for a 2-year service contract, of course). Okay, I get that AT&T wants to be sure you sign-up for your contract, but why the lame in-store activation? I can think of a couple of ways to ensure activation off the top of my head that would by-pass this need for in-store activation. For example, both AT&T and Apple have the customer’s credit card number. So why not charge the retail price at point-of-purchase and require at-home activation within 10 days? If the customer fails to activate at home, charge them the remaining, unsubsidized price. Simple, elegant. Done. Nope! And anyone who knows me knows that I like my devices shinny, clean, scratch-free, lint-free, smudge-free, encased-in-carbonite sealed clean. So the thought of some sales person’s grubby hands on my iPhone gives me hives.
Meanwhile, back in the-line-that-fails-to-move, Sheryl is being very, very encouraging. Her “in for a penny, in for a pound” attitude keeps us going. And the only thing in it for her was my old (sealed-in-carbonite pristine) Original iPhone. (This is despite the fact that, during our entire time in line, I kept telling her she should get a new 3G to make it worth her while. But alas she didn’t see the need.) At the two-hour mark, all thoughts of bailing fade — I become too stubborn to conceded and to even entertain the thought of leaving empty-handed.
Apple does at least try to do things to ease the pain of the wait a bit. Bottled water, coffee, pizza, and candy are served at various intervals. Apple employees work the line, answering questions, some more correctly that others. This becames rather annoying though. The first time an employee comes through the line to explain what documentation we needed for the purchase, the details on service plans, etc., it is informative. By the third and forth time, I want to scream “YES, I KNOW ABOUT THE DAMN SERVICE PLANS! I’VE MOVED 10 FEET SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU SAW ME!” But I didn’t. The closest I come to loosing it is when a gal serving coffee comes by and says, “I just love days like this! Hehe!” in an unnecessarily overly-bubbly manner. “Well I’m glad someone is enjoying themselves, ” I snap. Sheryl looks at me in surprise. She knows it is serious if my usual chipper go-with-the-flow attitude is no where to be seen.
Finally, after hours of shuffling forward and snaking through what was quite possibly the world’s slowest line ever, we approach the guarded entrance to the Apple Store. The temple where we give offering in order to gain favor (or in this case product). It is at this point that I really feel confused. On one hand, I’m about to get this really cool thing that I’m really looking forward to. On the other hand, I’m really, really pissed off at Apple for blowing this whole process and experience. Blame it on iTunes servers or AT&T or whatever, the outcome is the same — the worst buying experience I’d ever had in my life. And the “buying” hadn’t even happened yet!
Making our way past checkpoint guarded by radio-connected Apple Store peeps, we are greeted at the door by a sales guy. “Hi! I’m (let’s call him ‘Chipper’), and I’ll be helping you today!” I’m not exaggerating with my liberal use of exclamation points, either. Chipper goes on to say, “Wow, what a day, huh?! Everyone is talking about how long the line is, but it wasn’t that bad was it?” I give him a blank stare. See, at this point, Chipper is the only thing standing between me and my iPhone. So I play nice-ish and smile.
“I’d like one 16GB Black iPhone 3G please, and a look at what cases you have in.”
“Sure! Right over here!”
Chipper guides us to the case section and goes in the back to retrieve the phone. I pick out a case and Chipper is back.
“Here we go!” Chipper is getting on my nerves, but I keep it under control. He proceeds to walk through the account verification process (”Congratulations! You have been approved!”), the contract acceptance process (”Why wouldn’t you accept at this point, right?!”), and, finally, the purchase process.
“Now there’s one last thing we need to do. Let’s go over here an get your phone activated.” So, after Chipper asks a few cohorts what to do next (apparently he just got to work) we walk over to a MacBook with a sync cable on it. He takes my iPhone box from my “commemorative” bag and says “Actually, I’m supposed to be the one who opens it.” Okay…lame, but I can play along. “Are your hands clean?”, I think to myself. He can’t get it open. I finally hand him my pocket knife to keep him from gouging the box with his fingernails as he attempts to rip open the cellophane. Begin manhandling. “Now, I can hand you your new iPhone and you can check it out.” Okay. “Now I take it back and plug it in here…” What are we in pre-school? Stop with the hot potato and activate the damn thing so I can get the hell out of here!
It is at this point that an Apple sale gal (let’s call her Perky) walks over. “Hey, Chipper, if you’re done with the sale, I’ll finish the activation.” I look at Perky, and then at her hands, wondering what additional smudge factor will be incurred.
“Oh, okay. Thanks guys! Enjoy your new iPhone!” Chipper hands over the iPhone, MY iPhone, to Perky which is still tethered to the Mac.
Some small chit-chat with Perky ensues, of course overly bubbly, inappropriately cheerful. “Oh, looks like you’re done!” Perky proceeds to wrench the sync cable up-and-down, back-and-forth, finally disconnecting it. AHHHHHHHH! Are you freaking kidding me?! Have you never disconnected an iPod/iPhone before? Just pull it out! Don’t wiggle and rock and yank the thing like that! Sheryl sees that all the color has left my face. I quickly snatch the phone from Perky. “I can box it up. Thanks for your help,” I said. I tucked it back in the box, the box in the bag, and we were out of there, leaving a few “Congratulations” and “Byes” in our wake. Never had I been so glad to leave an Apple Store. And that made me very sad.
After returning home, I tell Sheryl that I feel sad and angry. Angry that we spent 4-and-a-half hours of our lives buying this thing. Sad that Apple had made it so hard, such an un-Apple experience. Angry at the apparently clueless Apple Store employees who didn’t see how the experience could possibly be anything other than exciting. Angry that those same employees weren’t trained on the sales/activation process and didn’t know how to correctly handle my precious cargo. Sad that I was actually having “feelings” about this and was actually reflecting on it!
As a long-time Apple fanatic, the whole experience just left me bitter. The entire thing was just wrong on so many levels. And the sad thing is that Apple will probably never admit it. They will shoot the Reality-Distortion Ray-gun, claiming that the whole this was a success. Overwhelming demand for a progressive product on a massive scale. From a big-picture, Apple’s corporate perspective, it probably was a massive success. They moved a lot of product, though not as much as they could have if they’d have made the process easier. But from my perspective it was the last thing I wanted to see and experience. It was not what I have come to expect from Apple. In my mind I will remember it as the worst Apple product launch ever and the worst buying experience I’d ever had. Period. I’ve purchased cars in a shorter period of time and the experience was ten-times more enjoyable. Am I glad I have an iPhone 3G? I am. I like it a lot. Was it worth it? Possibly not, but again, now that I have it I wouldn’t give it back.
It turns out that I wasn’t the only one who felt like this. Thousands of others experienced the same thing here in Portland and around the country. Sure there will be die-hard Apple fans who will side with Chipper and Perky, saying it wasn’t all that bad. But the next day, The Oregonian read, “iPocalypse. The mad dash for the new iPhone overloads Apple’s servers, frustrating would-be converts and present worshipers.” Sums it up nicely.
